October 17th

forced myself out of bed today. I look drained. I’m like the walking dead. Im covering up my flaws constantly obsessed with trying to look decent because I know perfect is out of my reach. I lost that glow i had when i was with you. Im having trouble staying focused and keeping this fake smile going. My mind wanders I can’t even attempt to start any form of work. This is all too much. Today I told myself I would let it all out and tell someone. Well when you only have one person you feel comfortable talking to it makes things hard. Throw on top not wanting to be a bother and getting ignored and your chances of that happening are low. That’s exactly why this is still bottled up. This is why I’m still scratching at my skin. I just need to be told I’m cared for not in the sense of “everyone cares for you” because although that may or may not be true I need to know that you care. That the person I love might potentially love back. I need to know I have a chance. But all my mind says is no. I hate what I’ve become I hate having my feelings depend on one person I hate not being able to open up to others instead. I hate the person I’m becoming